I am certain that all or the recent activities, coupled with those from within the last 6 months, have finally caught up with me. The comings and goings, the doing, the being, the thoughts, the feelings, the insecurities, the false sense of strength, the thin line of faith, the scattered hopes, the shattered dreams, along with the fears that I faced alone, and every conceivable thought and emotion that one could possibly imagine. You see, I woke up crying in my sleep at 4 in the morning a few nights ago, and was brought on by a dream!
In that dream, I was searching, desparately for some sense of who I am. I was searching for love, searching for some sense of belonging, searching for me, literally. It was one of the strangest dreams that I believe I've ever had in my entire life. Not only was I searching despairately to find myself, as one would search for another person in a physical form, it I as if I was trying to discover, to figure out, to try to make some sense of it all and was trying to truly understand just where exactly I seem to fit into the scheme of things. I'm certain this dream has to do with all that has been going on in my life lately; however, it seemed to have shook me to very essence of my soul. I woke up crying, for Christ's sake!
Somewhere from within the deep, dark abyss and the crevices of my mind, my life literally seemed to emerge. With all it's joy and it's sadness, and in its finest glory, its all-encompassing thoughts and emotions seemed to flash before my very eyes! What I discovered staring back at me was the stark, naked, ugly truth of reality that came rushing in, like a tidal wave over my soul; crashing, turning, tossing, and twirling over me and yet somehow through me thoroughly and without reservation. My life seemed to truly begin to sink in..... all that faith that I'd somehow managed to mustered up, to feel, and yes, even suppress during this time in my life, came creeping in, like a thief in the night. Unwanted, univited, unwelcomed....... leaving me in a very melancholy mood for most of the day on Wednesday, one that I just couldn't seem to shake off.
Needing the time to simply slip away, to clear my head and my heart, Don & I ventured over to Target. On the 45 minute ride over we talked, laughed, and sensing that something just wasn't right, Don asked me, "Where you crying last night?" Hell, I even cried as I told him about my dream. I am guessing that the dream was caused from all the stress of all that has happened in our lives recently and my subconscious mind was trying to simply sort it all out. Maybe, it is the transitional phase in my life I'm going through.... from being a mom to becoming a grandmother...... and to be honest, I really don't know but I do know it shook me up due to the nature of the dream, the vividness, the detail contained within it, and the emotions that I felt with such impact. So, simply slipping away" and having someone to talk about it all with was a true blessing in disguise...... as I needed to move pass this..... those feeling, those lingering thoughts...... {I only desire to blog so I won't forget it...... maybe I need to analyze it more later when my head is clearer?}
Once we arrived at Target, I did a bit more shopping for the upcoming baby shower and my grandchild's upcoming arrival. I discovered the cutest journal in the $1 spot that I'll use for Amber's guest book. I really had my heart set on creating one for her but the reality is I don't know if I'll have the time, so I'm improvising once again. {as I write that, "improvising once again" I have to wonder if that is why I dreamt THE DREAM? Maybe, I'm improvising a little too much, doing so much for everyone else, that I am not being true to myself, my hopes and dreams? OR, maybe, I just "think" too much! LOL!}
Anyways, I also picked up 3 packages of pastel pencils, designed for Easter I'm certain, yet I couldn't resist the pastel colors and circles and how they were perfect in every way for our event. a few more party favors........ gift wrap, and a couple embellishments... well, I'm think you're getting the picture! {Maybe too much in general?!}
Next, we picked up a few items for our home - boring necessities, like vanilla-caramel coffee creamer {LOL! Sorry, Mary, I couldn't resist throwing that in! *wink*} before venturing into "BabyLand." (I'm certain that is how Don is now looking at it and "in secret" calls it! LOL!)
I've been struggling somewhat over what a "grandma" needs at "grandma's house".... trying to make the most of what $$$ I have to spend so that it benefits both grandchild and grandma in the process, so I decided to bite the bullet and tackle the bedding dilemna that's been plaguing me. It wasn't too hard of a decision to make once I actually got started. A crib matress protector, a matress pad, a crib dust ruffle, 2 sets of sheets, a package of 4 receiving blankets, a package of 6 baby washcloths, and an "I love Grandma" baby bib! Heading over to Health & Beauty, I picked up a box of baby wipes and 2 packages of Huggies newborn diapers; of which I'm certain I'll only keep a few here --- just in case of an emergency!
Next, we wandered through Bed, Bath, and Beyond....... simply browsing before I ventured into PetSmart to pick up poor neglected Chaos a few chewy bones and before Don & I's stomachs began to growl. A quick stop into Fazoili's for a bite to eat and some delicious breadsticks and we were on our way once again.
What to do regarding nursery bedding still plagued me... Do I really need to spend $$$ on all that? A 6 piece set or a 3 piece set? Do I really need a comforter that's more decorative than it is functional? No. So, a quick trip into JC Penney's to look to see what is available, with a now grumbling Don in tow, I began to wonder, "Why do men sometimes remind me of small children?" Hmmm, anyways, I found a baby crib bumper pad sold separately! Something I could live with, in the colors I desired, and the fact that it can be unisex and it was all over! I do love the idea that in the event that I change my mind regarding desiring a matching comforter, I can purchase it separately as well.
So, now there is a nursery at Grandma's is in the works. Meaning finally getting back to some long neglected remodeling in that room. Bi-fold doors needing to be hung, a closet door that needs replacing... dusting, cleaning, and more spring cleaning!
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