Saturday, December 10, 2005

Good Monday Morning.......

I am feeling so much better today after a good night's restful sleep. Don and I accomplished so much yesterday, I'm truly amazed. The refrigerator has been cleaned out, garbage ready to be taken out to the curb, groceries bought and re-stocked, and all last minute items we required have been purchased.

Today's agenda consists of a much slower pace, a load or two of laundry, some light housework, and two small suitcases to be packed. A brief rundown through our checklist to be certain nothings been overlooked and a few errands to run --- that I am all for Don doing, hehehehe.

My nerves are calming down, thankfully, and I am in a much better frame of mind. I am shocked at how I've reacted to this upcoming surgery..... normally, I'm the dependable one, keeping it all together amist the confusion, the one who falls apart after the crisis is over. Not this time... however, when I reflect back upon it all, even I wonder how I managed to accomplish it all!

I'm not too surprised at my reaction when I consider how long I worked, all the shopping for the Thanksgiving holiday, attending two dinners, going back to work, and lots of running and scrambling to get Christmas out of the way and this surgery scheduled in. I'm truly impressed actually that I can say I did it! Not that I've any plans to anything remotely similar in the next several weeks, LOL! I've decided it nearing the time for me to relax, to slow down, to hibernate in the midst of winter. To enjoy the day to day pleasures, I so missed out on while I worked so hard. It is time to "restoreth my soul".

I believe I truly need and deserve this time to decide what it is I honestly desire to do with my life, to re-assess what is working for me and what isn't and make the necessary changes I need to make. One of the items on that list is to find work locally. The track to Delaware 5 days a week is simply becoming too much for so little benefits, yet I'll continue to do it after the New Year until something better comes alongs. I'm opening up myself to my options, looking at what is offered locally in the education department --- possibly considering going back to school. There is definately a lot to consider, but the good news is I don't have to be in a major rush to do it!

I did talk with a local store manager yesterday and during the conversation employment opportunities came up so I did an online application for a local position. This is one option that I am planning to follow up on further. I definately need some sort of income coming in while Don recovers and it seems flexible enough to be accomplished. At least the employment situation is looking a little more promising.......... and can be furthered explored to work in my favor vs. the struggle it has been. I truly believe one must do what they love and should do whatever it is takes for them to achieve that, so maybe this is a stepping-stone to getting me to where I desire to be. There is certainly a lot of possibilities........ and the choice is mine.

Anyways, I'm off to begin my day..... at a much more relaxed pace. I'll try to update something later today; until then, "Have a beautiful day!"

5 more days........and a vent!

The anticipation of Don's upcoming surgery still has me running, nervously anticipating the coming-way-too-soon, early Wednesday arrival. Preparations for his return home are still very much on the front burner and are just enough to truly begin wearing me out. In truth, I'm exhausted! Physically, mentally, and emotionally drained and my body is telling me that I am as well. I've had diarrhea, one of the way my body says, "STRESSED" for the last 4 days, so bad that I've dropped another 4-5 lbs. Yesterday, upon running to the bathroom, I was able to remove my jeans without even unfastening them and a belt has now been added to assist keeping them where they belong. And yet there is still so many things I need to get done before the actual event occurs.

Last Saturday, we took a road trip to Mansfield to visit several stores for items he'd need while in the hospital and recovering; I believe I've covered it all from several new T-shirts, flannel boxers, a new robe, and skid resistant slippers. Rubbing alcohol and gallon sized ziplocks for ice packs, personal products he and I both will need. Lists have been made from all the appointments to the do's and don't right up to the date of the surgery. Prescriptions that need filled, bandages, and walking aids to be purchased..........

Earlier this week, I managed to clean our bedroom, guest bedroom/laundry room completely! Dusting and vacuaming every single nook and cranny. I somehow managed to go through my closet and dresser drawers, removing clothing that I've held on to for what seems next to forever and get them boxed up and given away.

Next on that list is the thorough cleaning of the living room, kitchen and bath making certain that Don can safely maneuver about the house once we return home and friends and family can visit as he is up to visiting with them. I've the refrigerator to clean, grocery shopping to be done, and making certain any and all food that may spoil while we're away is removed befored it has a chance to, and laundry to catch up on. The "To Do List" becomes so intimidating that I've many times felt like screaming and for some strange reason it seems to never end........ every time I'm crossing one thing off, it seems I find two more items to add!

Right now, I so want this ordeal to be done and over with so I can once again establish some sense of normalicy back to my life. I desparately need some "Me" time, time to simply fall out and rest, to collect my own scattered thoughts together. I don't think anyone really knows and understands the burdens that I somewhat impose upon myself, making certain that no one important detail is overlooked nor how important I take the responsibility of it all. Not to mention how it all seems to weigh mostly upon my shoulders.

Maybe I do make a bigger deal out all of this than what it actual needs to be, however, his health and well-being are my upmost concern. It is so difficult, especially when there are other people, family members and friends, who will actually play such a small role in the procedure once it is all said and done, who have their own thoughts and opinions of how things ought to be {yet are doing nothing to actual assist either of us.} I wonder if they realize the stress it places upon me and sometimes even if they truly care.

It is a terrible feeling when I feel that what I am doing goes unnoticed, that I am not getting the credit that I honestly feel I deserve for all that I've so desparately tried to accomplish to make this as uncomplicated as I absolutely can. I feel afraid to open my mouth, to say anything, in the event that I might yet again offend someone when what Don and I desire for ourselves and our own lives doesn't coincide with their opinion of the way "they" think it should be. And then, I begin to wonder IF they even realize any of this at all.......... mainly because it is "Me" and "Us" and not "Them".

Everyday is such a challenge to put these thoughts, feelings, and emotions behind me, to go about doing what I believe is best to be done. Don tells me I'm doing great, doing a wonderful job, yet I don't feel that way..... especially when I feel whatever I am doing is never going to ever be "good enough" and I am compared in such a way that no human being should ever be. I guess I just don't get why some people cannot accept me the way that I am, appreciate me for what I do accomplish and not what I don't. And in all honesty, I know in my heart that is the way it will always be and there is nothing I can ever do or say that would make a damn bit of difference!

OK, my vent is over... I've decided to stop, right here, right now before I really put my foot in my mouth. I've too much left to do to be playing into yet another head game, a meaningless one at that in which I'm quite aware that no good will ever come out of it!

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

So many things to do and so little time........

Oh my gosh, it has been so long since I've had a spare moment for myself...... one long enough that would allow me to string two complete and total thoughts together, that now that I do have the chance, I'm uncertain if I can do it, LOL! Either way, I've decided to use it to update my long, lost seemingly forgotten blog!

My life has been a whirlwind! So much so, I don't know how I've not managed to run into myself with all the comings and goings. Anyways, it has been so long since I've written here that I don't even remember what I've mentioned and what I've not, so please bear with me here as I try to catch "not only my breath" but up to date on all the recent happenings.

Have I mention that Don will be having a total knee replacement surgery? Having been born with Cerebral Palsy that has affected his lower extremities all of his life, we both are excited and elated at the possibly of his left leg finally being surgerically corrected. Since late September 2005, the ball to get this done has been rolling; lately at a high rate of speed! Now, I'm not certain what man in his right mind schedules a total knee replacement surgery smack dab in between two major holidays and the busiest time of year .......... Oh yeah, that's the man I'm planning to one day marry, LOL! Anyways, life has been one joyous and exciting ride after another since I've met him so I cannot act totally shell shocked at his timing.
In September and after a real scare of him tripping due to his knee giving way and the even more suspenseful ride of where he almost ended up ---- putting his hard head through our living room window; the man I so dearly love decides after 3 long years of begging and pleading to look into a total knee replacement.
Anyways, in mid-September, Don received some excellent news! He will be undergoing surgery on December 14th for a total knee implant. Affecting his left leg, the knee joint is gone. There is no cartiledge nor fluid remaining in the joint. Combined with the CP he was born with, it has put his left leg 18 degrees outward from what we all know as "normal". The Dr. who will performing the surgery has a patent out on his knee/hip replacements techniques and implants and specializes in working with physical handicaps. The good news is he is 98% certain that he will be able to maneuver and manipulate the implant so that Don's leg will be straightened! Don is excited, having had trouble walking all his life, he says, "I feel like I just hit the lottery!"
Since then, it has been one appointment after another, one test after yet another test, and Dr.'s appointments after Dr's. appointments. If you'd like to add in my 11 hr. work days, a now 4 month old black lab ---- very much so appropriately named Chaos!, all the preparations for Thanksgiving, Christmas shopping, and the preparations for this surgery to all come together successfully --- the picture will begin to come together! So please, pardon my ramblings.......... and know that behind every successful man there is a great woman, even if she's a bit worn and frazzled right now!
On November 30th, we visited New Albany Joint Implant Surgeons for his history and physical, pre-admission testing, and physical therapy. And on Monday, we finished up with the final Cardiologist visit clearing the way for the actual surgery scheduled for December the 14th.

We are still uncertain regarding the outcome of the actual the surgery and really won't know until he has completed the 4 - 6 weeks healing time with physical therapy here. It may even become a 6 - 8 week process, taking us right into the New Year. Therefore, my employment has became temporarily on hold for a bit and appears it will stay that way until after the New Year. {There is a slight possibility I could work a bit by this week's end and a few day before... but at this point, I'm all for ruling it out entirely!}
So, there you have it....... recent news.......... current events......... and one insane lady! {smiles}

Thursday, December 01, 2005


Life has been a complete whirlwind! Mornings become Evenings, days pass on into the nights, and before I've a chance to realize it........ weeks have passed by. I've been busy with work, holiday preparations, and Don upcoming total left knee replacement on December the 14th. I've little time to even check my emails......... so I apologize in advance, if anyone has emailed me and I've yet to get back to you/them.

Today, I had a day off. Thinking I'd get caught up with some online friends was short and sweet as my computer decided to act up..... running so slowly my modem wouldn't even connect to the internet. The problem ---- Adware!!!! Grrrr.........

I'm working diligently to remove it all, correct my hard drive, removing some programs and installing others. Let's just say I am not too happy with my Norton Anti-virus at the moment for allowing this to happen, but then that is a completely new vent!

Anyways, just wished to say, "Hello" - "I'm still here" - "and all is "somewhat" well" LOL! I promise to catch up and take a deep breath soon! *waves*