Monday, January 21, 2008

Hello! Hello!

I'm back {from both the school of hard knocks and knocking on heaven's door}! I am feeling BETTER THAN EVER!--- Much better compared to last week. Wow! So much has happened to me since I last blogged, I'm not certain where to start, so I'm just going to jump on in!

I spent the week attempting to recover from the recent blow and the stress that accompanied it. The truth is I do not handle, do, or manage that type of life-and-death stress well. I spent a lot of time questioning the very meaning of life, dug down deep into my soul searching for answers, spent a lot of time with my bible, with God, with myself, my husband, and my family. I felt like Alice-in-Wonderland, who had fallen into a deep, dark, black hole. I buried my head under the covers and hibernated for awhile, fearing that perhaps this time, I won't be able to pull myself back out. My emotions were all over the place and I needed and received an important lesson in Life 101.

While recouping, I sought time alone, to simply take some stock of me, of who I am, what I desire in my life. I needed to listen to that still small voice, my heart, and learn to trust myself once again. While searching online {with messenger turned off} I came across the following quote,
"Always know in your heart that you are far bigger than anything that can happen to you."
and I began to find great power and strength in those words.
I tried to write here and every thing I wrote and typed, I questioned. Did I really want to share that? I erased so many posts, saved a few as drafts {for my eyes only} before coming to the conclusion today, that I feel it's important to share them because the reality is that Life isn't always roses, some times we get pricked by the thorns, sometimes we bleed, and sometimes we need time to heal from those wounds. And sometimes, we get knocked around and knocked down. I can tell you from my recent experience, sometime we even deserve it! It's really hard not to look up when you're laying flat on your back.
During this time, I attempted to create some art, believing it would help me pull myself out of that hole. It was a project that I had originally been excited about attempting, learning, and discovering somethings along the way. Anyways, during that process, I needed to wait for things to dry, to form, to mold. I began feeling even more frustrated with that and realized that sometimes life is like that. It isn't all instant and microwavable. Somethings take time and once things are all said and done, they are well worth the wait! Of course, I learned that one the hard way, too. {smile}
While attempting to rush things, I picked up my micro tip scissors to cut a wooden skewer and yep, you guessed it! my scissors slipped along the wood and not only did I manage to cut the skewer in half, I ALMOST cut my index finger to the bone! That certainly got my attention and slowed me down, so needless to say, I'm still working on that project. I'll share my process, progress, and results with you soon, I promise.
In the mean time, and after adding yet another insult to my injuries by getting injured, I did a bit more online searching. Searching for how to take care of me! I learned that I'm not going crazy! nor am I having a "mid-life crisis". {Okay, you can keep those thoughts to yourself! LOL!} What I did discovered is that I am in full blown menopause! Having weaned myself off of taking premarin a few years ago from taking it after a hysterectomy when I was 29, my hormones and body are all over the place. Instead of stopping and realizing that perhaps there's another way to go/get through this, I simply ignored all the signs and symptoms because I was simply too busy taking care of everyone else but me, and thought that perhaps they were related to something else! Well, let me tell you, I NOW know what needs to stop and that's trying to self-diagnose myself, while I get myself back on track. Needless to say, I've had two scheduled appointments with my chiropractor, getting my spine re-aligned and back where its supposed to be, and am receiving ongoing treatment for that. I've an upcoming Dr.'s appointment for a complete physical and examination with a complete blood, x-rays, thyroid, hormone work up and a mammogram! I am also researching an alternative to HRT that I desire to discuss with my doctor.
During that process, I did some blog-hopping and I discovered a mauv-a-lous blog! Leah Piken Kolidas of http://blog.bluetreeartgallery.com/ While reading Leah's beautiful blog, I laughed, smiled, and cried. I felt as if I could have written almost every word that she has ever written. I no longer questioned the style of my blog, whether or not I share too much of my own thoughts and feelings. I no longer care if my artwork is all over the place with no specialized niche in any one area. I read and discovered and learned a lot about myself and began to accept "this is who I am!" I cannot begin tell you how reassured I felt by all that! Would you believe that while going through the process I went through last week that I considered hitting the delete button on my blog and wiping it off the face of the internet and {gasp!} even considered never starting over? Right before hitting that delete this blog button, I wondered, "what would have happened to me had I not discovered Leah's blog and found the inspiration and the words I needed to hear at the time I needed to hear them if she too had ever felt this way?" Immediately, I decided to give it, myself, and my blog some time. Who knows? Perhaps there is someone else out there who needs to hear my words.
I, also, discovered that Leah is hosting a challenge that is perfect for me in every way! The website is http://www.creativeeveryday.com/ It's perfect for me! There are no hard and fast rules or regulations on what or what medium to create with.and it can be anything that I've creatively accomplished and it doesn't have to be a piece of artwork! I don't even have to post what I've accomplished or created everyday if I don't want to. I love that! It's like the "Blogging without Obligation" banner that I've discovered on other's blogs. So therefore, I've decided that I really desire to add and participate in both of these as they allow me so much creative freedom and I can accomplish them while I work on being the best me I can be!
{If you read thus far, I so appreciate it. Thank you, just for being there and listening.}

2 comments:

bec said...

You needed a glimpse into Leah's world. I needed a glimpse into yours. As artists, we are prone to question the value of our work. Your work is of tremendous value to me, and more so, your writings of what happens in your mind and heart as you create and discover and explore. Girlfriend, you're beautiful and your words hit me smack dab in my own doubts...Thank you!

Janie said...

Glad you are back. Take one day at a time. Everything will work out.
Take care, janie