Thursday, June 19, 2008

CED 2008 ~

Today, my sister, Mary and her family will board a plane and return to their home and their lives in Texas. While Don and I truly loved having them visit, getting to see them once again, spending time with our family, I have to admit that at other times, getting our large family together, can get a little "nerve-racking."

I suppose that these feelings that I feel are felt by others from time to time and I'm aware that they are caused by any occassion when you mix together a large number of people with a lot of different personalities, histories in their past, all their successes and their failures, their strengths and their weaknesses together.

I also realize that none of us are perfect, but that it almost always begins with everyone attempting to be on their best behavior. Then, little by little, the negativity seeps in... first by a seemingly innocent little joke, or a jab here, or a laugh at another expense. "Little secrets" begin to spill out with the "did you know?" remarks said behind one another's backs and/or the "did you see?" so and so and how they reacted or behaved?

Laying awake last night, attempting to unwind from the past several days, somehow processing all the information of the past several days, these thoughts fluttered around in my head, and a silent tear slid down my face. I wondered why our lives couldn't be different? Why do we have to do this, to behave this way? And what if, instead of tearing one another down, pointing out each others faults and weaknesses, we reached out and helped one another reach our fullest potential with whatever it is that we have to work with? Would it really be so hard to set all these things aside, forgot the past, forgive one another, and learn to love again?

I also know that in reality this is very unlikely to happened, there's just too many memories, too much hurt, too little trust... and distrust. I don't know it all, or have all the answers, or even the faintest idea of how or where to begin to rectify all that is hidden and beneath the surface with each of us, but I'm smart enough to know that it begins with each of us feeling a bit superior, a bit "better", a bit "smarter", a bit "fianancially" better off, of being more capable of ________ {insert anything here}

I also know that it hurts. Not just me, but each of us. And we'll each go on dealing with, or not dealing with it, in our own ways. Lately, for me, my way of "dealing with it" is to simply "get it out", being aware that it is there. Yes, even if and when, it is painful. I either write about in my journal or like today, create another sketch and write down my thoughts and feelings. It may not be "pretty" but I can certainly hope and pray that somehow it's therapeutic, that it will help me cope a little bit better with what the truth is and isn't. So, today, I created this sketch in my old calendar, again using only what I had at hand.

The text reads, "Superiority Complex. She always wondered in her heart what life would be like, if instead of tearing one another down, they helped to show each other their fullest potential." It's the best, I could do to summarize my thoughts and feelings in the small amount of space I had to work with on the page.

When I opened my calendar book back up so that I could scan this in, I couldn't help but notice the quotation I'd found somewhere online and written in previously. It reads, "Speak worthily of trifling things and simply of grand things..." Madeleine de Scudery and how somehow the sketch of the girl I'd created, sort of resembles me when I was a child. Perhaps, its the feelings that I feel or the fact that now as an adult, I'm recognizing these things as "childish behaviors"?

Anyways, I don't want anyone to get the wrong impression of my me or my family. There were some good times shared the past several days. Celebrating my father's 81st birthday together, speaking of days gone by and remembering them fondly and with love. Seeing my sister, Mary, and her hubby Tim, getting to see my nieces grow up and become the beautiful women that they were meant to be.... to have the opportunity to shoot a game a pool with my dad on his beloved pool table, to wash the dishes with my mom at my side, the touch of my brother, Rick's hand on my arm, saying, "I'm sorry" I wasn't there to protect you, {I won't go into that, but it was a meaningful moment for me} and For those things, I am extremely grateful! It was a good time, I only wish, it could have been better.

1 comment:

ohiofarmgirl said...

You have some very thought provoking ideas...I to believe that we all mean to be our best but life steps for today I wish you peace and fond memories. Try to capture them in your heart! Blessings, Dianntha