For me, it isn't only about the creating of artwork that I struggle with time management. I guess I'd say it is this whole "I am an artist!" thing....... to me, being an artist is more about simply creating artwork. It involves self-promotion, marketing, business knowledge, overcoming creative blocks, artwork successes, as well as, failures ---- which is equally important to me because I learn what not to do! It is about conveying one's thoughts and feelings into the artwork so that the viewer can visually think, feel, and respond emotionally, even if it is that "I can relate" comment I experience so often myself.
I think sometimes that I am trying to tackle the entire ball of wax vs. breaking it down into smaller more managable tasks.... but I long to learn, to discover, and yes, even conquer this! I read a lot of articles related to the career of becoming and being an artist; making notes on writing artist statements, beginning a resume, self-promotion, pricing and selling one's artwork, networking, marketing strategies and an entire list of things I've not even included here. And I still sit and wonder how does one manage it all?
What I've discovered for myself is becoming and being an artist isn't as simple as it sounds. I still need to work........ for $$$ to support myself and family; there is the responsibilities of running my home; being a mother, becoming a grandmother; being an active and vital person in my relationship with Don; being a daughter to my parents who are aging; being a friend to those who I enjoy being friends with .......... in all honestly, it is a juggling act for me. {Just as I am certain it is for everyone else!}
There is so much I want to do, learn, and achieve both personally and professionally that I've decided I need to start with those that are most important to me in each area of my life and re-evaluate. I need to do some deep soul-searching, set some goals and learn to take the small necessary steps to achieve them individually so that possibly one day my life like a jigsaw puzzle will one day fit nicely into place. I realize there will always be a few balls in the air, that what goes up will also come down, often we least expect them too.
And I realize that my subconscious mind also goes through this same process, as I sit here writing this, I am reminded of a dream I had many months ago and a friend who interpreted it for me.
In my dream, I was in hotel. I'd left my room with an ice bucket in hand to venture out into the halls in search of ice. I walked through hallways, enter corridors that were empty or only filled with candy and soda machines. I opened doors that contained brick walls and some that resembled small closets, while others were actual hotel rooms. I took stairs, some that spiraled and some that were simply stairs with exits to the doors on each floor. Some were locked to me or completely absent. I rode on elevators that didn't function properly, up bottons took me down floors and down buttons took me up, while some floors didn't exist, and some stops on the elevator lead me back to where I began. Each elevator contained different numbers for the floors available to them. I walked through hallways, opening doors which lead me in circles to an ice machine that was in a hospital adjacent to the hotel. Behind the counter was an old nurse who wouldn't allow me to take any ice as "it was for hospital use only" and wouldn't answer me when I asked where I could find the ice machines for the hotel. In my dream, I paid her 3 visits and on the third visit, I tried to sneak the ice only to be caught and have to pour the ice back into the machine. I saw two friends, a couple, who were exiting a hotel room who wouldn't speak to me when I inquired re: the ice machine, who walked away from me only to turn a corner and then disappear. I walked a hallway where as I walked along it faces and hands formed in the wall came to life trying to talk to me in languages I couldn't comprehend or whispers I couldn't quite make out what they were trying to tell me. Hands reached out to grab me as I ran along the hallway to escape. The further I travelled down that hallway, the faster I walked and ran, the more faces and hands appeared. I opened a door only to discover I was on a balcony. I felt confused, helpless, alone, and yes, desparate for only ice and to escape from the madness of it all.
Needless to say, it was a startling, very vivid dream. One that has stayed with me for many months, one that I remember every tiny little detail of, and one that still continues to evoke the same emotions in memory of it as it did the night I dreamt of it.
Upon telling the dream to a friend, she attempted to interprete it for me. She stated the ice I was searching for was representative of water. Being cold, hard, and frozen represented a change in my life that could through either thoughts, decisions, behaviors, and actions that would be hard for me to accept. That the searching through the hallways, the rooms, the elevators represented the various ways I may try to deal or cope with the change I wouldn't or couldn't accept at the time. The couple in my dream who were my friends and who wouldn't respond to my plea for assistance, who walked away, and disappeared meant betrayal or absent of being there for support to me and didn't represent themselve but that I would experience this from a person I considered a friend. My relationship with this couple played a factored in her interpretion. The nurse and the ice machine represented me being denied something I desparately was seeking, that a person in my life and not necessarily an older woman would play a factor in denying me what I desire. The hands and the faces that spoke, whispered, and reached at to grab me represent the people in my in my life who are dependent upon me in one way or another and the fact that there were many and increased in number as I went represented and increase in the obligations and responsibilities that I would feel toward them. The emotions I felt, the confusion, helplessness, of being alone, and despiration to escape from the madness of it all represented the frustrations I am or will experience in my life at a later time. Definately a feeling of being overwhelmed.....
I can only say that, Yes, I am feeling this way......... overwhelmed! Overwhelmed by the current search for employment, lack of $$$ that I so desparately desire to get me where I want to be, overwhelmed by the responsibilities and the roles that I play, overwhelmed by the housework, the studio re-organization, personal goals, the relationships I have with some people in my life. I feel the confusion, the sense of helplessness, of being in this all alone, and the desparation to escape from it all even if it is for only a few hours out of the day. I need a break in my life! A break in the job searching, the soul searching, the responsibilities and obligations to everyone else so I can simply focus on ME! my wants, my desires, my needs. For strange reason I feel that whatever I do is never enough for others, I desire to do more, to be more, to accomplish things for them that I know in my heart is their responsibility to achieve, to do, to be. I realize I cannot be all things to anyone person......... that I need to be here for me in order to be the best that I can be for them. I need to establish some boundaries, to say "No!" more often. I need to learn to slow down and not feel that I have to do everything all at once because I do realize my life didn't get this way in any one single day and I cannot do or accomplish it all in one single day.
So, for now, I am planning a break for myself to regroup, re-evaluate, to tackle and conquer one task at a time. I guess this explains my desire for some time-management ideas, LOL! or confirms to all my family and friends that "Yes, I am a nut!"
No comments:
Post a Comment