The anticipation of Don's upcoming surgery still has me running, nervously anticipating the coming-way-too-soon, early Wednesday arrival. Preparations for his return home are still very much on the front burner and are just enough to truly begin wearing me out. In truth, I'm exhausted! Physically, mentally, and emotionally drained and my body is telling me that I am as well. I've had diarrhea, one of the way my body says, "STRESSED" for the last 4 days, so bad that I've dropped another 4-5 lbs. Yesterday, upon running to the bathroom, I was able to remove my jeans without even unfastening them and a belt has now been added to assist keeping them where they belong. And yet there is still so many things I need to get done before the actual event occurs.
Last Saturday, we took a road trip to Mansfield to visit several stores for items he'd need while in the hospital and recovering; I believe I've covered it all from several new T-shirts, flannel boxers, a new robe, and skid resistant slippers. Rubbing alcohol and gallon sized ziplocks for ice packs, personal products he and I both will need. Lists have been made from all the appointments to the do's and don't right up to the date of the surgery. Prescriptions that need filled, bandages, and walking aids to be purchased..........
Earlier this week, I managed to clean our bedroom, guest bedroom/laundry room completely! Dusting and vacuaming every single nook and cranny. I somehow managed to go through my closet and dresser drawers, removing clothing that I've held on to for what seems next to forever and get them boxed up and given away.
Next on that list is the thorough cleaning of the living room, kitchen and bath making certain that Don can safely maneuver about the house once we return home and friends and family can visit as he is up to visiting with them. I've the refrigerator to clean, grocery shopping to be done, and making certain any and all food that may spoil while we're away is removed befored it has a chance to, and laundry to catch up on. The "To Do List" becomes so intimidating that I've many times felt like screaming and for some strange reason it seems to never end........ every time I'm crossing one thing off, it seems I find two more items to add!
Right now, I so want this ordeal to be done and over with so I can once again establish some sense of normalicy back to my life. I desparately need some "Me" time, time to simply fall out and rest, to collect my own scattered thoughts together. I don't think anyone really knows and understands the burdens that I somewhat impose upon myself, making certain that no one important detail is overlooked nor how important I take the responsibility of it all. Not to mention how it all seems to weigh mostly upon my shoulders.
Maybe I do make a bigger deal out all of this than what it actual needs to be, however, his health and well-being are my upmost concern. It is so difficult, especially when there are other people, family members and friends, who will actually play such a small role in the procedure once it is all said and done, who have their own thoughts and opinions of how things ought to be {yet are doing nothing to actual assist either of us.} I wonder if they realize the stress it places upon me and sometimes even if they truly care.
It is a terrible feeling when I feel that what I am doing goes unnoticed, that I am not getting the credit that I honestly feel I deserve for all that I've so desparately tried to accomplish to make this as uncomplicated as I absolutely can. I feel afraid to open my mouth, to say anything, in the event that I might yet again offend someone when what Don and I desire for ourselves and our own lives doesn't coincide with their opinion of the way "they" think it should be. And then, I begin to wonder IF they even realize any of this at all.......... mainly because it is "Me" and "Us" and not "Them".
Everyday is such a challenge to put these thoughts, feelings, and emotions behind me, to go about doing what I believe is best to be done. Don tells me I'm doing great, doing a wonderful job, yet I don't feel that way..... especially when I feel whatever I am doing is never going to ever be "good enough" and I am compared in such a way that no human being should ever be. I guess I just don't get why some people cannot accept me the way that I am, appreciate me for what I do accomplish and not what I don't. And in all honesty, I know in my heart that is the way it will always be and there is nothing I can ever do or say that would make a damn bit of difference!
OK, my vent is over... I've decided to stop, right here, right now before I really put my foot in my mouth. I've too much left to do to be playing into yet another head game, a meaningless one at that in which I'm quite aware that no good will ever come out of it!
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