Recently I discovered a new magazine. More. A magazine for women 40+ (http://www.more.com/more/index.jhtml) I remember when I first read it, I felt like I'd finally found my place in this world! A magazine wrote by women for women who are 40 and over. I absolutely love this magazine!
I remember when I first turned "the BIG 4-0!" How I thought, I should somehow feel at least sense some sense of drudgery, LOL! that my life expectancy was half over. But I truly do not remember feeling that way......... I felt young and happy, vibrant and rubust! I'd spent the past 20 some years raising my dear daughter, Amber, I was a "career girl", one who looked forward to the rest of life. I was content to be where I was, yes, even at my age! LOL! I looked forward to my future, of once again having some well-deserved "ME" time, the opportunity to explore, to learn, to discover just what exactly I desired to do with my newly found "free" time.
At least until life threw my a major curve ball in the form of an automobile accident which landed me flat on my back and spending the next two years learning to walk all over again. And yes, it was a challenge to overcome...... at first, one filled with regret, to only be replaced with anger and frustrastion before lulling me into a deep depression I'd felt at the time I'd never recover from. But day-by-sweet loving day, I recovered. I remember being "42" and taking that first step once again, thinking, "You want me to do what?" and "I don't remember doing this the first time around." I remember the sense of fear, the "what if I fall?", and the terrifying moments that followed. But what I mostly remember the is the joy, the sense of accomplishment when I finally did take that first step, the sense that "I did it!" and the pride that I did.
Yes, it is true, my life was in shambles! I was no longer able to walk, to run, to work, to take care of my family. My marriage had failed; falling apart under the strain emotionally, mentally, and physically. I divorced after a two year separation and twice returning thinking that I should at least try to hold my marriage together. I look back on all that once was, and now I realize that was my mid-life crisis!
It was during that time, that healing and recovery period, that my life came to be all that is now.
I "knew" for the first time in a long time what I desired to do! I never had that sense of knowing as a teenager, or a twenty-something, or a thirty year old mother of a teenage daughter. I simply did what I felt was the right thing for me to do. I thought I wanted a career in nursing, to become and be a nurse. I worked in a Dr's office while attending school back then and that was my dream. But life had other plans.
It wasn't until my car accident that I discovered scrapbooking as a creative outlet and an opportunity at healing emotionally from all the scars and my previous life experiences. It wasn't until then, that I realized that my families life didn't revolve around me as "the hub of the home". It was a period of adjustment in every sense of the word. However, that "unfortunate accident" allowed me to finally explore and discover "who I am" and "who I wanted to be". Of course, I didn't realize all this at the time, but reflecting back on it all now, I know, it wasn't "an unfortunate accident" at all! For somewhere in the middle of all the doing, the trying, the re-building, I discovered me! Of course, it was by trial and error, mistakes made along the way, life lessons learned.... but it was beautiful! It was my "life-changing event."
Now, that my 45 birthday is fastly approaching, I've been doing some reflecting upon my life. And I can truly say that "I'd do it all over again" to have what I have in my life now. I can remember hearing my mom and her girlfriends talk about feeling that way, and I always wondered if one day I, too, would ever have a moment like that. That moment of "No regrets." No guilt. No wondering, "what if?"
Could my life be better? Possibly. But then, the thing is, for now, I am truly content with my life --- just the way it is! Of course, things could be better. I could have a better job, more money, a better love life, ha. ha. But for now, just for today, I'm allowing myself to simply be content with where I am, with what I have, not wondering and worrying over what I'm not or what I don't have. I've come to terms that I don't want a new beautiful home that is a showcase, vs. the scratches, dents, and dings that says, "There is LIFE here!" within my own home. I don't need the 2006 Lexus SUV, the payments and all the interest, insurance rates, and the responsibilities that come along with it. I don't need all the latest fashions, along with the "I'm better than you" attitude that comes with it nor the prestige or social status of having a high-paying executive position.
Now, please, don't take this the wrong way, if you're reading this and you own all these things, I'm truly happy for you, if these are what bring you pleasure. I am a firm believer that in being envious or jealous of another blessings in life robs another of the joy they should be entitled to experience. What I mean is that for the first time in a long time, I'm simply being, "ME." For the first time in my life, I'm content with my worn-out 1992 Jeep Cherokee, our home that is need of some major repairs, the not-so-crummy stock job at the local grocery store and co-workers that I enjoy seeing on the nights I work. For me, I'm truly happy to be where I am with what I have! I want "the simple life" to simply be free to make my own decisions over what I desire in my life. And I want it "More."
If you are in your 40's, I encourage you to check out this magazine or the link above to it's website. There are some wonderful online articles that I am finding myself relating to. Like, "Don't Call Me Grandma!" LOL! This one especailly hit home as my now 25 year old dear daughter, Amber, is almost 7 months along with the pregnancy of my first grandchild. It's nice to know that there are other 40+ woman out there who are experiencing the same trial and tribulations, the same mind-set that I'm having. They careers, jobs, are wifes with grown children experiencing the same issues and life event that I am. MORE so now that my 45th birthday is fastly approaching...... {smile}.
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