"Lightning crashes..."

You know "It's Been Awhile" when.... I have forgotten the password to my own blog, LOL! After several failed attempts and tries, I finally managed to combine the right combination of words, letters, and numbers to somehow managed to begin writing this post. "Failed attempts" and "trying" somehow seem to have become a re-occurring theme in my life before I finally came full-circle to simply saying, "I NEED to try this AGAIN!"

Never mind that I'm a bit stubborn , bull-headed, and attempting to be optimistic, trying to remain hopeful, searching desperately for a single flicker of light at the end of a very long and dark tunnel. I was hoping for the silver lining on the dark, grey storm clouds that threaten to rain on my own parade. The only problem was that the light stopped flickering. I somehow became enveloped into a darkness that I found stifling to my spirit and soul. My heart became filled with sadness and a loneliness that I thought no one would ever understand. I know that during it all, I wasn't understanding nor "getting it." Tears quickly began to fill themselves within my heart and threatened to embed themselves there permanently, quietly stinging somewhere below the surface, and threatening to spill out, tumbling all over the place. I began feeling angry, cheated, unbelieved in and my entire universe began looking that very same way. In a nutshell, I felt lost, dazed, confused and last but not least, hopeless.

Another actual thunderstorm stuck during the mid-week for us to endure and survive. It ---the storm --- literally left us in the dark for a period of close to 48 hours without electricity in our home and at my workplace. After arriving home from work on Thursday, the storm plummeted us for over an hour. My head and my heart felt as scattered as the deck furniture, the fallen trees, and the broken branches surrounding us everywhere in its wake! During the storm, the flashes and crashes of lightning and the sound of thunder echoed the very feelings that I was feeling deep within my soul. The cause these feelings was my job! I had little to no time for the things that I enjoy! All the long hours, the physical, and mental demands placed upon me, and the negativity that seemed to lurk and permeate the very air that I was breathing was sucking and suffocating the life right out of me! There wasn't really any time to even think about these things, they simply seemed to be happening all at once, on into one big, huge mad dash that seemed to be leading me nowhere and to a place I really didn't want to go.

On Friday morning, as I woke to return to work, I was still envelope within the grasp of the darkness within my soul and, literally, in my world. We arrived at the plant at 4:47 a.m., surrounded by it. There wasn't even a star within the night sky to offer a glimmer of hope; just people: coworkers, friends, and acquaintances milling around, waiting, and wondering if we'd be working at all that day. Shortly after 7 a.m. the president of the company appeared, informing us that the electric would be out for a bit longer as the electric companies were swamped, attempting to restore power and some sort of order to the chaos. We were asked to return at 11 a.m. Leaving, Don and I made our way home {remember we've only one vehicle so he stayed with me during this ordeal...} to clear out and save whatever we could from our freezer. After making our way back from our store to home, we attempting to tidy up, restoring some sense of order the madness our lives had become. In yet another mad dash, I made way back to work at 11 a.m., as requested, to endure more dishevel and chaos left from 2nd shifts dash out of the building when the thunderstorm struck leaving them without electricity. All the while the storm that I felt within my heart and the core of my very soul, continued to rage on while I worked and learned we'd be required to work yet another 8 hours on Saturday!

Saturday arrived and the storm within me seemed to keep on brewing. One thing after another piled up on top of the mountain of mixed emotions, threatening to come tumbling down, burying me under yet another pile of rubble. After leaving work, I went on and on to Don on the cellphone about the crappy day I had, the things I somehow endured, and I never felt so unhappy in all of my life! Michelle, a co-worker, and I had a heart-to-heart as she so graciously provided me a ride home, but nothing we said to one another seemed to help or offer either of us the hope we both were so desperately searching for. Shortly after arriving home, Don showed up unexpectedly. Here he came, bearing a gift for me that he'd purchased earlier in the day, consisting of the most beautiful basket of potted plants and roses that I had ever laid my eyes upon! But it was what he'd so lovingly written within on the card attached that seemed like rain to touch some dark, barren, desolute spot left within my soul. It read, "To the most beautiful lady in the world: My Cathy!" As I read those words, my heart began to grow wings. I felt a stirring within me that once again to allow my spirit fly and soar! I regained a sense of confidence that "just maybe" somehow, someway I'd find my way through this.

On Sunday, my one and only day off this past weekend, Don and I took a very long and relaxing road trip to the Lake and while riding I did some much needed soul-searching. I asked myself every conceivable question my mind could think of. I made a mental list of all the pro's and con's and when it came time for the balancing act at the very end, the con's outweighed all the pro's.
But instead of listening to my heart, I just had to give it one last chance so when we returned home on Sunday evening, I made my routine preparations just like I've done for the past several months and diligently set my alarm clock for 3 a.m. Arriving at work, and as I was working, I could just feel my life's blood being once again sucked out of me. As the day continued on, I resisted the urge, not just on one break --- but all 3 of them! to simply pick up my cell phone and call Don to come and get me. As I write this, I'm uncertain how I resisted that urge, how I managed to ride out the storm that engulf me, threatening to suffocate everything that I know and love within my heart. But I made it through!!! 10 of the most grueling hours, plagued with indecision and filled with doubts. I wondered "what if" I'm making the wrong the decision; "what if" I regret this later, "what if" things were different, "what if" I'm the person that could a difference? "If only's" seemed to be becoming my new best friend and I realized that I was afraid. Afraid. Me... I'm no scaredy-cat, deep down in my heart of hearts, and speaking of hearts, why in the hell wasn't I listening to mine? It was approximately 3:45 p.m. when that realization struck me. Don and I were sitting in Shawn's Jeep, making a deposit at the bank, when I said, "Don't set my alarm clock for tomorrow, I'm not going back" with firmness and a renewed sense of determination. I know this is simply the beginning, that there will days when I may wonder "what if" and think those "if only's" all over again but I know I did what I knew in my heart I needed to do.

Today has been a wonderful day! I saw the sunrise as I let Chaos out the back door and sat on our rear deck to have my first cup of morning coffee. I felt my heart flutter in my chest once more as I browsed online at Kari's http://http://www.artsymama.blogspot.com/ blog and hostess of the http://www.stampington.com/html/artful_blogging.html party, leaping with excitement as I clicked from one link to another of artful blogger participants. I'm sorry that I missed this but I'm so happy and excited to announce that I'm back! I can say that I now know what it is like to go from one extreme to the other --- from having too much time on my hands to literally having none at all! I'm filled with a renewed sense of excitement, as I begin to embark upon yet another journey, this one a new beginning, where I'll search and seek a way to begin to balance it all.